Headlands 100 September 9th 2018

On September 8th of 2018 I ran my 9th consecutive Headlands 100 miler.  I went into the race under trained and injured, and as much as I had hoped to run a new personal best time at this event, I was going to have to settle with just trying my best to finish.

I had my usual support crew at the race, my parents (they have been at every Headlands 100 that I've ran), my buddy Chris (I think this was his 8th time at this event), and my friend Scott who was out there with me for his first time helping me out.


Loop #1

I went into the event optimistic, but knowing that it would more than likely be a really long day.  I have had some issues with my Achilles tendon since April of 2017 and the damage I had done from running and jiu jitsu was starting to catch up to me.  I was hoping to run each loop in around 6 hours and 30 mins, but I wasn't sure if that was realistic.  At the beginning of the first loop I was feeling good.  The uphills at the beginning felt slightly uncomfortable, but the few flat areas and the downhills felt pretty good.  I was losing time on the uphills, but able to make up the time on the flat and downhills sections.

As the miles went on, the discomfort started to come, and it was getting difficult to find enjoyment in running this event.  I ran most of the first loop by myself, but from time-to-time I would find someone to burn a few miles with.  I was able to muscle through the first loop, and I finished the first loop in just a little bit over 6 hours.


Loop #2

I was trying to get out of the aid station and headed out on my 2nd loop as fast as I could.  At about 6 hours and 24 mins into the event I was heading out on my 2nd loop.  The long climb that started the 2nd loop was really starting to really cause discomfort on my Achilles tendon.  As I climbed out of the section that took me out from the Golden Gate Bridge I was starting to think that "running" this event might not be a good idea.  I could handle the discomfort on the flat sections and the downhills, but the uphill running/walking was really getting to me.  It was getting harder and harder to ignore the discomfort that I was feeling.

Around mile 35 I started running with another runner that I seemed to be running the same pace with.  Dani and I ran the rest second loop together.  It was nice to have someone to run with and talk to.  Our conversations took my mind off of the trouble I was having with my Achilles tendon.

Around mile 45 Dani's crew brought both of us Slurpee's, and they tasted amazing.


Loop #3

Dani and I parted ways, and we both picked up our pacers at mile 50.  My friend Scott came out to crew and pace the 3rd loop.  This was the first time Scott and I had ever ran together.  I was looking forward to running with Scott and getting to know him a little more over the next 25 mile loop.

This loop was by far the hardest.  I was tired, and starting to really hurt.  My pace was dropping tremendously, and for the first time ever at this event, I was getting worried about not making the time cutoffs at the aid stations.  I also realized that I had forgotten my usb power supply that I was going to use to charge up my Garmin on the third loop.  The battery life on the watch would not last the entire event, so I needed to charge it up during  the third loop.  This caused me a little more stress to an already stress filled day.  I knew that my pace was dropping, and that there was no way that my Garmin would make it to the end of the 3rd loop.

Every aid station we got to I would ask what the cutoff time was for me to get to the next aid station.  I was always assured that I was way a head of schedule, but I was still starting to panic because the pain was starting to settle in a little bit more, and I was slowing down quite a bit.

As Scott and I left the Golden Gate aid station I started to really wonder if I was going to be able to finish my 9th Headlands 100 miler.  The reality of a DNF (Did Not Finish) was starting to sink in.  I kept trying to figure out the math in my head... "Am I slowing down too much?  Am I even going to have enough time to finish a 4th 25 mile loop?"

Scott was doing his best to keep me moving and motivated, but I was slipping into a dark place.  I was giving up, and I was starting to accept that today might not be my day.

Then, just as I had hit mile 68.72 my watch died.  This was something I was going to have to deal with.  I'm very use to having my Garmin, and always being able to know my time and distance.  Not having this available was super stressful, especially since I felt like I was running low on time.

At mile 72 I really though I was done with the event.  I came to accept the fact that maybe I just needed to stop and call it a day.  I started walking and trying to get back into a better mindset but I wasn't able to find one.  Scott kept trying to motivate me, but I wasn't having it.  I felt like I was mentally done, and I didn't want to go on anymore.

I started thinking about all the years that I've done this race... and all miles... all the time training... all the different life changing events that have taken place over the years between this race every year... all the lessons I've learned since I first did this race...

I started thinking about my goal of finishing this event 10 years in a row, and how shitty I would feel to let the 9th finish just slip away.  I was becoming more and more emotional with every thought of failing that come into my head.  I started to feel angry... angry that all the years I spent doing this were about to end.  I knew that if I didn't finish this race that I was not going to return the next year.

I thought about what I was going to feel like to have to stop... to have to write a blog about my 9th Headlands 100, and how I couldn't pull it off...

An injury is no excuse... there is no excuse out here.  This is "My Race!!"

I stopped for a brief second and got really angry.  Scott asked me what was going on and I couldn't even think of anything to tell him.  I stood there in the middle of an emotional breakdown and finally told myself, "This is not how 'This' ends.  This doesn't end this way!!!  I've faced harder obstacles than this in life, I can do this.  I've come way to far for this to end now!!  This is not how 'This' ends!!!"

At this point I took off running.  Scott was right behind me telling me our pace, distance, time... and that I was doing good.  As we got closer to the end of the third loop I told Scott what we needed to do.  I said to Scott, "We need to charge my Garmin, get a bottle of Dr Pepper ready for me when I leave the aid station... and after I take a 15 min nap, don't let me stop for anything on this last loop.  It's going to hurt... it's going to suck... but I'm not going home with a DNF today."

We finished the 3rd lap, and I ran to a bench and closed my eyes.  Scott was done pacing, and now it was time for Chris to run with me.  While I slept for a few mins Scott and Chris discussed what was going on, and what they needed to do to get me to finish.


Loop #4

Chris and I headed out for my last 25 miles.  I was beyond tired.  I was mentally drained, and physically exhausted.  I was still questioning if I would be able to finish.  I called my parents and told them how everything was going and that I wasn't having a good race.  I told them to go ahead and just head home after they checked out of their hotel room, because it was going to be a log day and I wasn't sure when I would finish.  They told me that was a ridiculous idea, and that they would see me at Tennessee Valley in a few hours.

My parents have been at every Headlands 100 that I have ran, and have only not attended 2 of the 100 miles races that I have ran, and they were not going to just leave.

We made our way to the aid station at the Golden Gate Bridge and left as fast as we could.  At this point I just wanted to be done, and I knew if I stayed at the aid stations for too long, I might not ever leave.  As we made our was from the Golden Gate aid station to the Tennessee Valley aid station we ran into Dani.  She looked very tired.  We gave each other a big hug and she told me she wasn't feeling very good.  I offered her some words of encouragement, and then we parted ways.  I would find out later that she had to drop from the event soon after I saw her.

We got to Tennessee Valley and I saw my parents.  My mom and dad could tell that I was tired.  They told me to keep pushing on, and I know it wasn't easy for them to encourage me because they knew how much I was hurting.  I was under trained, injured, and not mentally healthy...

We left Tennessee Valley and headed to Muir Beach.  I told my parents I would see them soon and that I loved them.  I thanked them for staying and supporting me, and then Chris and I headed out.

We made it to Muir Beach with no problem, and then back to Tennessee Valley.  When we go back to Tennessee Valley I went to my drop bag and pulled out a note that Alisha had left for me.  She had left several notes in my drop bags with each of them labeled which mile to open them.  There were times that the only thing that got me to each aid station was the fact that I knew I had some words of encouragement to read from her.

We left Tennessee Valley for the last time, and I headed to the finish line, just a short 4.5ish miles away.  This felt like forever.

With the help of Chris and Scott, my parents, Alisha's love, and the support of all my family and friends I finished my 9th consecutive Headlands 100 in 31 hours and 15 mins and 23 seconds... but who's counting...


Now That It's Over

This race has always meant a lot to me.  It was the very first 100 mile event that I ever did, back in 2010, and I've been lucky enough to run it every year since then.  I have not been running lately and my Achilles tendon if finally getting the recovery time that it has been needing.  I cant wait to go back to the Marin Headlands this coming summer and go for finish number 10!!



until next time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!

11-14-18

The darkness of the night
Will bring the light of day
But things just get so hard
When the brightness fades away

When all you're left is feeling
Different types of gray
You keep telling yourself
That this will fade away

It all just seems the same
Day after day
All I really want
Is this feeling to fade

Try to think more positive
And crack a fucking smile
But fake it till you make it
Will only last awhile

I find a little pleasure
In making people laugh
But I've ran out of punchlines
Happiness is just fading so fast

Feeling unproductive
Still gotta drag myself out of bed
Gotta get my shit together
And clear my fucking head

One Month Down!!

I've been meaning to write something on here for the last few weeks, but I've been busy at work, trying to finish moving into my new home, and just occupied with life.

Today it has been one month since Alisha and I got married.  It's been amazing getting to share my life with her.  I love seeing her every morning when I wake up, and at the end of my day when we go to bed.  She is such an amazing women and inspires me everyday to be the best version of myself.

We have a marathon this coming Sunday here in Fresno.  I've been having issues with my Achilles tendon and will be getting an MRI this coming Wednesday.  I've been having this issue for the last year and a half, and it's finally catching up to me.  I haven't ran in about 5 weeks now, and probably really shouldn't "run" this weekend.  I'm a little stubborn so I'm going to do my best to finish it this Sunday.

I hope to get my computer setup soon and start working on my blog more often.  I have a lot to write about, and while I can always write on my laptop, I prefer to use my desktop computer.  Hopefully I'll have it set up within the next week and get my Headlands 100 video and blog posted.


Until next time...

Alisha

This weekend I am getting married to an amazing woman.  She has become my best friend, my training partner, my anchor, my sail... and on now she will become my wife.

Our first date was on Sept 29th 2017 and on Sept 29th 2018 we  will become husband and wife.  We will also be an instant family.  I will not only gain a wife, but I will gain another daughter.

Alisha came into my life very unexpectedly.  I remember talking to her and asking her what race she was training for.  She said that she had a half marathon coming up, and then asked me if I had anything coming up. I told her, "Yeah, I have a race coming up in Marin that I do every year."  She asked how long it was, and I told her it was a trail race that I really loved doing, and I avoided telling her the distance.

A few days after I ran the race I saw Alisha again during my shift at Fleet Feet.  I made it a point to say hello to her, because I wanted her to hopefully notice me, and she did.  She said "So... just some trail race you do every year in Marin??!?!?" 

At this point I realized that she saw the post on Strava that I uploaded from the race.  I wasn't sure what to say... "yeah, just some race I do every year."

A couple weeks later I asked her out to a movie.  I figured that she would just turn me down or be busy... and she was too busy.  She was running a half marathon, but asked if we could reschedule for the next weekend.

We went out to dinner and a movie.  We talked for hours that first night.  She asked my why I told her that it was just a trail race that I did every year instead of telling her it was a 100 miler.  I looked down, laughed and said, "because I didn't want to be that guy..." and before I could finish she said, "but you are that guy."

We started running together every weekend on the trails.  Talking a lot and building a relationship.  There was definitely something there clicking between us, but we both seemed to want to take things slowly. Alisha has a daughter that is with her 100% of the time, and I have my 2 kids as well.  Both of us didn't want to rush into anything too soon.

As the weeks went on we would text each other everyday, then eventually call each other everyday.  We were becoming a couple, but we weren't a couple.  We were getting close, but staying distant.  Eventually we were just hanging out, running, cross training, and doing everything together.  We stopped asking each other if the other person wanted to hangout on the weekend, we just were always hanging out with each other.

After several weeks of getting to know each other, training together, having long intimate talks with each other about what we want out of life, and taking about life... we slowly became an official couple.

Alisha came into my life when I least expected it.  Now we're getting married.  She's such an amazing woman.  I'm lucky to have her in my life, gain another daughter, and have someone who loves both my kids as well.


We will be married in about 12 hours after I publish this blog post.  I can't wait to see how beautiful Alisha will look in her wedding dress.  I can't wait to have her become my wife and I her husband.  I can't wait to go on our first run together as a married couple and have our kids become a family.


until next time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Head Space

When I started this blog I told myself that I would always be honest about what I wrote.  If I had a bad race or a good race, I would give details about how it all went down.  I've also been honest when writing about the more personal side of my life that I randomly share on here.

Earlier this month I ran my 9th Headlands 100 miler.  I was in a very different head space this year.  I was going to take my time today to write about the race, but I feel like I need to write this before sitting down and writing about the run I had this year,  I feel like this might give more insight as to why the run happened the way it did.

I've been having a really hard time being motivated to do the things I once had much enjoyment from.  Running hasn't been really enjoyable for some time now.  I haven't been excited about it, but I haven't been excited about a lot of things.  I have a lack of interest in writing, working out, playing chess, I don't meditate like I use to, running feels like a chore.  I had my favorite race of the year coming up, and I just wasn't into it.

This year I had 2 friends lined up to pace at the event.  My friend Chris was returning for another year, and my friend Scott was coming out for the first time.

I've been having some issues with my Achilles tendon, and that kept me from putting in the hours of training that I needed to do for the race this year.  Well, that's what I kept telling myself.  Deep down I just didn't feel like training.  I didn't feel like getting out of bed for most of the last few months.  It sucks having to be at work by 4:30am five days a week.  When did 6:30am become "sleeping in" for me?

I worry about my future and the future of those that depend on me.  I feel bad for my kids because they have me as a father.  I'm 41 years old and don't have my shit together.  Feeling like I'm not good enough at anything I do.  Constantly feeling like I'm fucking drowning and just fake smile my way through the day.  If one more person asks me how my day is going, I might just go crazy!!

I'm barley sleeping, and my eating habits are all over the place.  I can eat an entire pizza by myself because I feel down, or I won't eat for a couple days.  It's easy to tell people that you already ate, or you had a big lunch so you're just not hungry.

The happy moments seem lost within a gray feeling of blah.  I'm randomly sleep walking through life.  Another day feeling lost and hopeless.  My kids deserve better than this...

I drag myself out of my parents house and go for a run, make myself workout, force myself to write things down, try to do my best to smile... Brandon and Ashley can't see me like this.  I remind myself to try to act fucking normal.

I have a big race coming up, and i just don't give a shit.  I want to tell my friends not to bother showing up to help me out.  I tell them not to show up, but they come anyway.  

I have this feeling and wish it would pass. It's hard to hear someone say "I look up to you," while you're looking down on yourself.

08-16-18

I tuck you into bed
And I tell you both "good night"
You give me a hug
Then I start to feel alright

The voices in my head
I just can't seem to stop
I feel like I'm at the bottom
Even when I'm at the top

I feel so fucking drained
Showing people this fake smile
I hope this feeling ends
It's lasting for awhile

It comes and goes in waves
And it's crashing down upon me
A brighter light ahead
Is what I long to soon see

I can't explain the feeling
That is so overwhelming
I hope it is gone soon
It cannot overcome me

Abraham

On Father's Day I went about my day like I usually do on Sunday.  I got in a run with Alisha early in the morning (that's actually not normal for Sunday morning) and I started off my morning teaching a couple classes at Fit 36 before I went to work at Fleet Feet. Since this was a week where we were starting new workouts I stayed after class to work on recording our weekly workout videos with Dre.  I didn't have time to go to church since we got out late, so instead I went home to get cleaned up and I decided go head into Fleet Feet early and work on a few things before we opened for the day.

I was heading to work and made my usual stop at Little Caesar's Pizza.  On my way I kept thinking about the homeless guy I say a few months ago.  I usually go to this location every Sunday and have been hoping to see him there again sometime.

As I pulled up I noticed a guy standing out in front of the Little Caesar's Pizza.  He had a bike, a backpack, an electric guitar, and an amp.  I walked by him and he said, "I'll play you a song for a dollar."  I almost never carry cash on me and told him that I wasn't able to give him anything.  He then said, "How about for a slice of pizza?" I looked at him and laughed... "fair enough, I hope you like pepperoni."

I walked in and placed my order.  They told me it would be about 10 mins, so I went to the grocery store next door to pick up a couple things.  I went back to get my pizza and watched the guy outside play his guitar and ask people for money.

When my pizza was ready I felt like giving him a slice or two wasn't really the right thing to do, and I decided to do what I knew I would end up doing anyway.  I asked the guy behind the counter to get me another pizza.

I walked out with my extra pizza and asked the gentleman playing his guitar if he still wanted a slice.  Then I handed him a box and said, "Maybe an entire pizza would be better."  He thanked me and I said, "have a good day, I gotta head to work.  Take care."

I got to my car and, put my pizza in it... then I looked at my watch.  I had plenty of time before I had to be at work.  I thought about the guy who I ran into at almost the exact same spot who I wish I had made more time for.  I decided to go back and talk to him for a little bit.

I walked back and he noticed that I was coming back.  I told him, "You know what, I have a few mins... play me something."  Earlier I had heard him running through a few scales, and it sounded pretty good, but now that he had someone watching and actually listening he seemed to be a little nervous.  I told him to play whatever he wanted.  His hands were a little shaky while he played a few blues riffs for about a min for me, and I had the feeling that he wasn't use to someone really listening to him play.

When he was done we talked for a few mins.  I told him that I use to play and that I have been thinking about playing again.  We talked a little bit about music, I told him about my kids and how my daughter is playing piano and my son in playing guitar.

After a few mins I had to leave so that I could go to work.  I thanked Abraham for playing for me, and for the conversation.  When I went to shake his had he stepped away from me, he looked down and said very embarrassed, "sorry, my hands are dirty."  And his hands were dirty, but I noticed that before I offered to shake it.

I said to him, "Abraham... I don't give a shit if your hands are dirty, mine are dirty too."  He looked up and laughed, and we shook hands.

I walked to my car and headed to work, and went about my typical day. 


The most precious thing we can give someone is our time.  Just taking the time to ask someone how their day is going, and to really listen to them can turn a bad day into a great one.  I'm glad I took the time to talk to Abraham and listen to him play.


until next time...