Head Space

When I started this blog I told myself that I would always be honest about what I wrote.  If I had a bad race or a good race, I would give details about how it all went down.  I've also been honest when writing about the more personal side of my life that I randomly share on here.

Earlier this month I ran my 9th Headlands 100 miler.  I was in a very different head space this year.  I was going to take my time today to write about the race, but I feel like I need to write this before sitting down and writing about the run I had this year,  I feel like this might give more insight as to why the run happened the way it did.

I've been having a really hard time being motivated to do the things I once had much enjoyment from.  Running hasn't been really enjoyable for some time now.  I haven't been excited about it, but I haven't been excited about a lot of things.  I have a lack of interest in writing, working out, playing chess, I don't meditate like I use to, running feels like a chore.  I had my favorite race of the year coming up, and I just wasn't into it.

This year I had 2 friends lined up to pace at the event.  My friend Chris was returning for another year, and my friend Scott was coming out for the first time.

I've been having some issues with my Achilles tendon, and that kept me from putting in the hours of training that I needed to do for the race this year.  Well, that's what I kept telling myself.  Deep down I just didn't feel like training.  I didn't feel like getting out of bed for most of the last few months.  It sucks having to be at work by 4:30am five days a week.  When did 6:30am become "sleeping in" for me?

I worry about my future and the future of those that depend on me.  I feel bad for my kids because they have me as a father.  I'm 41 years old and don't have my shit together.  Feeling like I'm not good enough at anything I do.  Constantly feeling like I'm fucking drowning and just fake smile my way through the day.  If one more person asks me how my day is going, I might just go crazy!!

I'm barley sleeping, and my eating habits are all over the place.  I can eat an entire pizza by myself because I feel down, or I won't eat for a couple days.  It's easy to tell people that you already ate, or you had a big lunch so you're just not hungry.

The happy moments seem lost within a gray feeling of blah.  I'm randomly sleep walking through life.  Another day feeling lost and hopeless.  My kids deserve better than this...

I drag myself out of my parents house and go for a run, make myself workout, force myself to write things down, try to do my best to smile... Brandon and Ashley can't see me like this.  I remind myself to try to act fucking normal.

I have a big race coming up, and i just don't give a shit.  I want to tell my friends not to bother showing up to help me out.  I tell them not to show up, but they come anyway.  

I have this feeling and wish it would pass. It's hard to hear someone say "I look up to you," while you're looking down on yourself.