11-14-18

The darkness of the night
Will bring the light of day
But things just get so hard
When the brightness fades away

When all you're left is feeling
Different types of gray
You keep telling yourself
That this will fade away

It all just seems the same
Day after day
All I really want
Is this feeling to fade

Try to think more positive
And crack a fucking smile
But fake it till you make it
Will only last awhile

I find a little pleasure
In making people laugh
But I've ran out of punchlines
Happiness is just fading so fast

Feeling unproductive
Still gotta drag myself out of bed
Gotta get my shit together
And clear my fucking head

One Month Down!!

I've been meaning to write something on here for the last few weeks, but I've been busy at work, trying to finish moving into my new home, and just occupied with life.

Today it has been one month since Alisha and I got married.  It's been amazing getting to share my life with her.  I love seeing her every morning when I wake up, and at the end of my day when we go to bed.  She is such an amazing women and inspires me everyday to be the best version of myself.

We have a marathon this coming Sunday here in Fresno.  I've been having issues with my Achilles tendon and will be getting an MRI this coming Wednesday.  I've been having this issue for the last year and a half, and it's finally catching up to me.  I haven't ran in about 5 weeks now, and probably really shouldn't "run" this weekend.  I'm a little stubborn so I'm going to do my best to finish it this Sunday.

I hope to get my computer setup soon and start working on my blog more often.  I have a lot to write about, and while I can always write on my laptop, I prefer to use my desktop computer.  Hopefully I'll have it set up within the next week and get my Headlands 100 video and blog posted.


Until next time...

Alisha

This weekend I am getting married to an amazing woman.  She has become my best friend, my training partner, my anchor, my sail... and on now she will become my wife.

Our first date was on Sept 29th 2017 and on Sept 29th 2018 we  will become husband and wife.  We will also be an instant family.  I will not only gain a wife, but I will gain another daughter.

Alisha came into my life very unexpectedly.  I remember talking to her and asking her what race she was training for.  She said that she had a half marathon coming up, and then asked me if I had anything coming up. I told her, "Yeah, I have a race coming up in Marin that I do every year."  She asked how long it was, and I told her it was a trail race that I really loved doing, and I avoided telling her the distance.

A few days after I ran the race I saw Alisha again during my shift at Fleet Feet.  I made it a point to say hello to her, because I wanted her to hopefully notice me, and she did.  She said "So... just some trail race you do every year in Marin??!?!?" 

At this point I realized that she saw the post on Strava that I uploaded from the race.  I wasn't sure what to say... "yeah, just some race I do every year."

A couple weeks later I asked her out to a movie.  I figured that she would just turn me down or be busy... and she was too busy.  She was running a half marathon, but asked if we could reschedule for the next weekend.

We went out to dinner and a movie.  We talked for hours that first night.  She asked my why I told her that it was just a trail race that I did every year instead of telling her it was a 100 miler.  I looked down, laughed and said, "because I didn't want to be that guy..." and before I could finish she said, "but you are that guy."

We started running together every weekend on the trails.  Talking a lot and building a relationship.  There was definitely something there clicking between us, but we both seemed to want to take things slowly. Alisha has a daughter that is with her 100% of the time, and I have my 2 kids as well.  Both of us didn't want to rush into anything too soon.

As the weeks went on we would text each other everyday, then eventually call each other everyday.  We were becoming a couple, but we weren't a couple.  We were getting close, but staying distant.  Eventually we were just hanging out, running, cross training, and doing everything together.  We stopped asking each other if the other person wanted to hangout on the weekend, we just were always hanging out with each other.

After several weeks of getting to know each other, training together, having long intimate talks with each other about what we want out of life, and taking about life... we slowly became an official couple.

Alisha came into my life when I least expected it.  Now we're getting married.  She's such an amazing woman.  I'm lucky to have her in my life, gain another daughter, and have someone who loves both my kids as well.


We will be married in about 12 hours after I publish this blog post.  I can't wait to see how beautiful Alisha will look in her wedding dress.  I can't wait to have her become my wife and I her husband.  I can't wait to go on our first run together as a married couple and have our kids become a family.


until next time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Head Space

When I started this blog I told myself that I would always be honest about what I wrote.  If I had a bad race or a good race, I would give details about how it all went down.  I've also been honest when writing about the more personal side of my life that I randomly share on here.

Earlier this month I ran my 9th Headlands 100 miler.  I was in a very different head space this year.  I was going to take my time today to write about the race, but I feel like I need to write this before sitting down and writing about the run I had this year,  I feel like this might give more insight as to why the run happened the way it did.

I've been having a really hard time being motivated to do the things I once had much enjoyment from.  Running hasn't been really enjoyable for some time now.  I haven't been excited about it, but I haven't been excited about a lot of things.  I have a lack of interest in writing, working out, playing chess, I don't meditate like I use to, running feels like a chore.  I had my favorite race of the year coming up, and I just wasn't into it.

This year I had 2 friends lined up to pace at the event.  My friend Chris was returning for another year, and my friend Scott was coming out for the first time.

I've been having some issues with my Achilles tendon, and that kept me from putting in the hours of training that I needed to do for the race this year.  Well, that's what I kept telling myself.  Deep down I just didn't feel like training.  I didn't feel like getting out of bed for most of the last few months.  It sucks having to be at work by 4:30am five days a week.  When did 6:30am become "sleeping in" for me?

I worry about my future and the future of those that depend on me.  I feel bad for my kids because they have me as a father.  I'm 41 years old and don't have my shit together.  Feeling like I'm not good enough at anything I do.  Constantly feeling like I'm fucking drowning and just fake smile my way through the day.  If one more person asks me how my day is going, I might just go crazy!!

I'm barley sleeping, and my eating habits are all over the place.  I can eat an entire pizza by myself because I feel down, or I won't eat for a couple days.  It's easy to tell people that you already ate, or you had a big lunch so you're just not hungry.

The happy moments seem lost within a gray feeling of blah.  I'm randomly sleep walking through life.  Another day feeling lost and hopeless.  My kids deserve better than this...

I drag myself out of my parents house and go for a run, make myself workout, force myself to write things down, try to do my best to smile... Brandon and Ashley can't see me like this.  I remind myself to try to act fucking normal.

I have a big race coming up, and i just don't give a shit.  I want to tell my friends not to bother showing up to help me out.  I tell them not to show up, but they come anyway.  

I have this feeling and wish it would pass. It's hard to hear someone say "I look up to you," while you're looking down on yourself.

08-16-18

I tuck you into bed
And I tell you both "good night"
You give me a hug
Then I start to feel alright

The voices in my head
I just can't seem to stop
I feel like I'm at the bottom
Even when I'm at the top

I feel so fucking drained
Showing people this fake smile
I hope this feeling ends
It's lasting for awhile

It comes and goes in waves
And it's crashing down upon me
A brighter light ahead
Is what I long to soon see

I can't explain the feeling
That is so overwhelming
I hope it is gone soon
It cannot overcome me

Abraham

On Father's Day I went about my day like I usually do on Sunday.  I got in a run with Alisha early in the morning (that's actually not normal for Sunday morning) and I started off my morning teaching a couple classes at Fit 36 before I went to work at Fleet Feet. Since this was a week where we were starting new workouts I stayed after class to work on recording our weekly workout videos with Dre.  I didn't have time to go to church since we got out late, so instead I went home to get cleaned up and I decided go head into Fleet Feet early and work on a few things before we opened for the day.

I was heading to work and made my usual stop at Little Caesar's Pizza.  On my way I kept thinking about the homeless guy I say a few months ago.  I usually go to this location every Sunday and have been hoping to see him there again sometime.

As I pulled up I noticed a guy standing out in front of the Little Caesar's Pizza.  He had a bike, a backpack, an electric guitar, and an amp.  I walked by him and he said, "I'll play you a song for a dollar."  I almost never carry cash on me and told him that I wasn't able to give him anything.  He then said, "How about for a slice of pizza?" I looked at him and laughed... "fair enough, I hope you like pepperoni."

I walked in and placed my order.  They told me it would be about 10 mins, so I went to the grocery store next door to pick up a couple things.  I went back to get my pizza and watched the guy outside play his guitar and ask people for money.

When my pizza was ready I felt like giving him a slice or two wasn't really the right thing to do, and I decided to do what I knew I would end up doing anyway.  I asked the guy behind the counter to get me another pizza.

I walked out with my extra pizza and asked the gentleman playing his guitar if he still wanted a slice.  Then I handed him a box and said, "Maybe an entire pizza would be better."  He thanked me and I said, "have a good day, I gotta head to work.  Take care."

I got to my car and, put my pizza in it... then I looked at my watch.  I had plenty of time before I had to be at work.  I thought about the guy who I ran into at almost the exact same spot who I wish I had made more time for.  I decided to go back and talk to him for a little bit.

I walked back and he noticed that I was coming back.  I told him, "You know what, I have a few mins... play me something."  Earlier I had heard him running through a few scales, and it sounded pretty good, but now that he had someone watching and actually listening he seemed to be a little nervous.  I told him to play whatever he wanted.  His hands were a little shaky while he played a few blues riffs for about a min for me, and I had the feeling that he wasn't use to someone really listening to him play.

When he was done we talked for a few mins.  I told him that I use to play and that I have been thinking about playing again.  We talked a little bit about music, I told him about my kids and how my daughter is playing piano and my son in playing guitar.

After a few mins I had to leave so that I could go to work.  I thanked Abraham for playing for me, and for the conversation.  When I went to shake his had he stepped away from me, he looked down and said very embarrassed, "sorry, my hands are dirty."  And his hands were dirty, but I noticed that before I offered to shake it.

I said to him, "Abraham... I don't give a shit if your hands are dirty, mine are dirty too."  He looked up and laughed, and we shook hands.

I walked to my car and headed to work, and went about my typical day. 


The most precious thing we can give someone is our time.  Just taking the time to ask someone how their day is going, and to really listen to them can turn a bad day into a great one.  I'm glad I took the time to talk to Abraham and listen to him play.


until next time...

Vlog 2018-04-30

Vlog for April 30th 2018