Mental Game

The other day I finished my 8th Headlands 100 ultramarathon, and I believe my 21st 100 mile race.  The Headlands 100 was my very first 100 mile race back in 2010, and I've gone back every year... and I've been lucky enough to finish the race every year.

I have a very small group of friends that I train with.  It's always been hard for me to be in large groups.  I like having my space and being able to be in my own head... most of the time.  One of the many things I love about trail running is that I'm able to see friends and run with people, but it also allows me to be outside in nature and run alone if I want to.

The tricky thing about a 100 mile race is that I'm stuck in my own head-space for just about the entire run.  Sometimes the hard part about being in my own head for the better part of 29 hours and 30 mins, is that anything that is bugging me in my life is now right in front of my face.  I had a lot of "dark moments" over the weekend.  There were demons that I felt like a couldn't shake, and sometimes the dark miles just kept piling up upon each other.  I had plenty of times during this race where I just wanted to stop and scream my head off.  I felt like I wasn't strong enough mentally to finish, and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to run ultras anymore.  There were times in the early parts of the race (the first 50 miles) where I really kept debating with myself if I should just quit... not just the race, but running all together.

Sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming you can't remember what the light looks like.  You feel like you're holding on by a single thread, and that thread is about to snap.  You try to remind yourself that these feelings will fade, and that it will get better.  You need to just keep moving forward and pushing, even if you don't want to.  It's a lot like life, if we let the dark spots overwhelm us, that's all we see.  When we are in the middle of struggling, it's often easy to lose hope and we forget why we started this journey in the first place.  Giving up seems like the only option, because we forget that if we just keep moving forward we will make progress, and that if you keep pushing through the rough spots... it does get easier.

Life, a lot like running a very far distance, will have it's ups and downs.  The trick is to realize that you will have good and bad times, and that you need to enjoy the good times while you are living in those moments... and to realize that the bad moments will pass.

I had to remind myself several times that I had already finished this race 7 times before, and that I could pull off one more.  I had to remind myself that it's o.k. to have a bad mile, or 2, or 3... or even 10.  I had to remind myself why I started this journey in the first place back in 2010.  I needed, and still need, to prove to myself that I can do something that sounds crazy.  I need to accomplish something that a normal rational person wouldn't even be able to comprehend.  ...and if I can inspire someone to do something crazy, something that they are unsure about, to try something that feels bigger than they are... well, I guess I will feel like I've accomplished something worth accomplishing.



until next time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!