Ups and Downs

Somewhere between happy,
and total fucking wreck,
Feet sometimes on solid ground,
sometimes at the edge...
-rise against (survive)

Over the last few years I've had my share of depression... at times really bad depression.  It's something that I've learned to deal with.  I honestly can't think of a time in my life where I haven't had to deal with some type of overwhelming depression.  I've spent most of my life bouncing from feeling happy to severely sad a lot... and most of the time having no real idea what brings on the feeling of sadness.

There are times where I feel on top of the world, and times where I feel like everything is falling apart and landing on me.  I've been really stressed out with trying to find a steady full time job over the last 2 years now.  Constantly coming up short, and trying to be positive about it... trying to not let my kids see the look of constant disappointment on my face.  It's hard to go to job interview after job interview and keep coming up short.  It's a kick in the ass when you apply for a job, get an interview, get turned down, and then a week later get an email from that company stating that they are hiring for the exact position that you applied for because you signed up on their website to get an email whenever there is a job opening posted. You start to feel like, "I guess they would rather be short handed instead of hiring me... FUCK, I must really suck."

Sometimes it gets hard to put on a smile and act chipper around my kids, but that's part of being a parent.  I constantly feel like I've let them down.  I've had to rely on a lot of help from my parents over the last 2 years.  I'm almost 40 years old and can't seem to pull my shit together.  I randomly have thoughts of, "Things are going to work out... things are going to turn around..." and then I seem to still be in the same place weeks later.  It gets hard to be positive, but you have to find a way to.  When the low points come you have to remind yourself that it's just a phase and won't last forever.  Life is all about perception...


I walk on wounds
that seldom prove to slow me down
I laugh this constant pain away
so you can't tell

But there it lies under the smiles
it drains me mile after mile
But seldom proves to slow me down
here I go... here I go..
-rise against (hairline fracture)

Yesterday I was feeling really down.  I headed over to Jiu Jitsu class, sat in the parking lot for 10 mins, then drove home.  It sucks when you're feeling so low that you don't even want to do the things you typically enjoy doing.

When I got home my friend Bernard sent me a text asking if we could practice Wednesday afternoon.  I told him that I had just went to class and didn't even make it in the door, and that I was feeling "a little off" and didn't feel like doing jiu jitsu very much.  Bernard and I talked about what was going on with me, and he strongly suggested that we get together and get in a good jiu jitsu training session.

I met up with Bernard in the afternoon.  The gym we train at isn't open until the evening, so it was just the 2 of us getting together to train.  Bernard and I started getting ready to train and right before we hit the mat, our friend Steve walk into the gym (Steve owns the gym we train at and is the black belt we train under... and is also a very good long time friend).  Steve come into the gym and tells us, "I just happened to be driving by and saw your cars parked in front... let's get rollin'!"

Steve, Bernard and I go way back... way back.  They have always been there for me, on and off the mat.  After 30 mins of getting my ass kick by these guys we started going over technique, strategy, and some drills.  The more we practiced the better I started to feel.

Steve and Bernard have always been able to see through my bullshit.  If they ask me how I'm feeling, and I say "I'm doing fine," they know if I'm giving them bullshit.  It's good to have friends that keep you in check, and these guys have always done that.


This grip will loosen
but it never breaks
-rise against (injection)

If there is one thing I have learned from running and jiu jitsu, it is to never give up... no matter how difficult something seems to feel.  A bad situation can be turned around in just an instance.  I've ran 100 mile races where I've felt like crap one second, and then felt amazing the next.  I've had my ass kicked during jiu jitsu matches, and found ways to win with 15 seconds left on the clock.  When you're down it can be hard to get back up.  Sometimes you have to lay down for a little bit and feel sorry for yourself... and that's ok, as long as you remember not to stay down for too long and that you need to get back up.

I'm lucky to have the people I do in my life.  My parents will always have my back, my kids will always motivate me to do better, my sister Christine is always checking up on me and giving me her love and support, and Bernard & Steve will never let me give up.

Then there's Samantha... I can't say enough about her.  She's become my best friend, the person I can confide in, and someone who will listen without judgement.  She came into my life very randomly, when I least expected it.  I'm thankful for everyday that I have her in my life.



until next time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!