Sometimes it feels hard to keep acting like you're keeping your shit together when you feel like your life has spiraled out of control. The life you planned out didn't end up according to the way you plan it. You're not sure where you're going but you just keep moving in what you hope is a forward direction of some sort. Am I making things better, or am I making them worse?
I go for long runs to try and figure shit out. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it does the opposite. I've always preferred running alone, but lately that's not the case. Sometimes too much time in your own head isn't good.
After the U.S. Open last weekend I felt like I wanted to mentally fall apart. The tournament became a nice distraction from what is going on in my life, and now the tournament is over. A huge feeling of "What now?" came over me as I walked off the mat. The distraction was over and I was freaking out.
What now? How about 2 more tournaments, one in February and one in April... sounds good!!
I'm pacing the 2 Cities Marathon tomorrow morning. I hope I can mentally keep my head together during the run. I don't want to fuck up and not finish at my designated time that I'm pacing tomorrow. Part of me doesn't feel like running, but I have people depending on me doing the job I volunteered to do.
The upside about tomorrow is that I have a few friends who said they are going to run with my pace group. It will be nice to share a few miles with them. For now, I've planned a couple more tournaments, a couple runs, and just whatever I can to keep my mind busy.
Staying still isn't something I want to do right now. Staying busy is nice, but I can't stay busy forever. Eventually all things come to a standstill and you have to look things right in the face. How did things get to be how they are, could I have done things differently, should I have done things differently...
At one moment you can feel like everything is going good, and then before you know it... it all falls apart.
Until next time...
KEEP RUNNING!!!!
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