Sunday, December 31, 2017

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Lost and Found

Losing Faith

I remember waking up early on an October morning and hearing the phone ring.  My first thought was, "who would be calling this early in the morning."  From my bedroom I could hear my mom talking in the background... "is she ok... what did the doctors say... We will be there tonight, we will leave as soon as the kids are out of school."  I immediately knew something was wrong.  I walked out of my room and asked my mom what was going on. She told me, "your cousin was in a car accident when she was going to work yesterday, she's in the hospital and we will go see her tonight."

My cousin was driving to work and had been hit by a drunk driver.  She was in critical condition and would be so for several months.  We would take trips constantly to visit her in the hospital.  We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my Aunt at the hospital.

I remember seeing my cousin, and she was so beat up from the accident she was unrecognizable. I remember the beeping of the machines in her hospital room... holding her hand... talking to her... praying every night that she would get better.  Pleading to God, "Just help her get better.  Do something for her."

After several months of hospital visits and seeing her in a coma..  She passed away.  I was in junior high when all this happened.  I was young, and this was my first real experience with death.

Her death mad me very sad, angry, mad, pissed off, upset, confused... and faithless.

How could God let this happen? What the FUCK!!  If that's what I get for believing and praying I don't want anything to do with this anymore.  I stopped going to church. I remember telling my mom that I didn't want to go anymore and that I was done with it.  She wasn't happy about my decision, but she said it was my decision to make and that she wished that I would reconsider.  My mind was made up... and I was done.


A Slow Transition

I went through most of my life being what I would consider faithless.  I didn't want to hear anything about religion... or God.  

When I started to get into trail running back in 2010, my thinking and attitude towards God started to shift a little.  For me, it is very hard to be out in the middle of a forest and not feel like there was something bigger out there.  There is so much beauty when in the middle of nature, that I can't personally help but feel like there is some type of a higher power out there.  I slowly started questioning if I made the right decision many years ago.  Even with those random moments where I felt like I just wanted to believe again, I still held a lot of hate and resentment in my heart... and I wasn't ready to have a relationship with God.

The more time I started to spend on the trails, the more open my heart became.  The more I would go on long solo runs, the more I would question how I really felt deep down.  Part of me was wanting to believe again so bad, but I still had that part of me that was just fine without it.

Back in October of 2015 I met my friend Megan.  Megan and I have ran quite a bit together.  Megan helped me with a lot of my harder speed workouts and is one of the people that pushed me to really start running hard.  I have friends that are religious... and then I have Megan.  Megan's faith is a very huge part of her life, and I really like talking to her about how her faith plays a role in her life.

After one of our harder training runs we walked back to our cars and we said our goodbyes.  As I walked to my car Megan called me over to her car.  I walked over to her, and at this point in our friendship I had not talked to her at all about my beliefs, and she told me, "I talk to God and Jesus a lot..."  At this point I was wondering where this conversation was going to go.  I wasn't sure at this point how I felt about religion.  Then she continued, "Jesus want's me to tell you that he see's you... and he loves you.  He's always been there watching you.  He wanted me to tell you that you can let go of the pain you have inside."  I looked at Megan and smiled and couldn't hold back my tears.  She gave me a hug and told me that everything was going to be o.k.

Megan and I talk about life and religion very regularly when we hang out and run, but I wasn't ready yet for this to be a part of my life.


Coming Back Around 

Megan and I had not been training as much together, but in July of this year we started running together again, and for the first time we started hanging out in a non-running environment.  I remember hanging out with Megan one night and telling her, "This is the first time we've ever hung out and not ran."

At this time I was also running a lot with my friend Sunny.  Sunny has been my most consistent training partner for the last couple years.  We drop off from time to time, but we are pretty consistent about keeping each other on track.

By August I was training with Sunny and Megan pretty regularly as I was getting ready for Headlands 100.  Our training runs consisted of a lot of talking... talking about faith, god, life, death.  Deep down I was wanting to start believing again, but I wasn't quite there yet.  I would talk to Sunny and Megan about my cousin... how I was feeling, the pain I still felt, and anger I had, and the confusion.


Another Chapter

A few weeks after Headlands 100 I started hanging out and running with someone new.  I met Alisha a week before Headlands 100.  We were casually talking about trail running at Fleet Feet.  She asked me if I had a trail race coming up, and I was very vague about it.  When she asked what race I had coming up, and I didn't want to be that, "I'm running 100 miles" person... so I told her, "It's just a race I do every year in the bay area."

The week after Headlands 100 Alisha was picking up some gels while I was working.  I was helping someone out and notice Alisha walk in.  I said hello and she replied with, "So... just some small race you do every year in the bay area?"  At this point I realized we were friends on Strava and Facebook, and she was calling me out for not mentioning that I was running a 100 miler.  I wasn't sure how to reply... so I just laughed and said, "Yeah, I guess I left that part out."

Before I knew it, Alisha and I started running pretty regularly together.  On our first run we were out on an evening run.  We got to our turn around point and stood there for a couple mins looking at the stars.  At that moment Alisha asked me, "Do you believe in God?"  I replied with, "It's been hard for me to run on trails and not believe... and it's been harder to not believe in God lately, but it's complicated..."

On our run back to the car I shared what I had been going through... the pain I had from my cousins passing, the anger I still held onto, and just the confusing I was feeling.  Alisha listened to what I had to say, and we talked about her faith and what it means to her, and the roll it plays in her life.

The more we ran together the more open our conversations became, and I now had one more person to talk to about what I've been struggling with.


Welcome To The Breakdown...

At this point I had been talking to Megan, Sunny, and Alisha a lot about God, faith, and just about everything.

On October 19th I set out for a solo long run to get ready for the 2 Cities Marathon.  I headed out my front door with my headphones on and didn't expect the run to go the way it did.  I threw on a Rise Against album and started my run.  A song came on that triggered something in me.  I had been talking a lot about my cousin, and the anniversary of her accident was near.  I guess because of this date coming close I was thinking about her more that usual.  I remember not feeling as angry about things, and longing for some type of relationship again with God.  I remember the chorus ringing through my headphones...

"These whereabouts unknown
Please know you can come home
It's alright
I long for the moment
Our silence is broken
It's alright

It's alright now
'cause all is forgiven
If you could just listen
It's alright"

I felt moved by this song that I've heard over 1000's times.  I was becoming very emotional...  Part of me felt like I needed to say these words to God, and part of me felt like God needed to say this to me.

This became a very long and emotional run.  It was just over 21 miles of me talking to God, something that I had only done twice since my cousin passed away.  Other than a short prayer I said on the the day my son was born, and another one I said on the day my daughter was born... I felt no real need, or want, to talk to God.

I spent that run, talking to God, my cousin, praying, asking questions, looking for answers...


The Process

I remember something that Alisha told me during a run... "There's no timeline for the grieving process.  It can be as long or short as it needs to be.  It can't be rushed, and it's different for everyone and every situation."

At the end of my run on October 19th, I felt like there was a huge weight lifted off of my chest.  I felt like I got out whatever it was that was holding me down.

During the weeks leading up to and after this run I had been making it a point to hit the trail more and run less around town.  I feel centered on the trail.  I was doing at least 1 or 2 runs a week solo on the trail and I was just thinking about everything that was causing me pain.  I tried to rationalize how someone I loved could be taken away from me at such a young age.  I though about how it effected me over all these years and I looked at the how it helped me become the person I am today.

I use to drink a lot.  I would drink with my friends, and more than I would like to admit... I would drink alone.  Sometimes to kill whatever pain I was feeling inside, and sometimes because it was becoming a habit.  But when things seemed to get out of control, I would think about my cousin, and I would back off from drinking.  I often joke with my friends that I drink like I run.  I'm either doing a 5k or a 100 miler.  I have no middle ground...  It's safe to say that I have an addictive personality, and luckily I have my kids, running, and jiu jitsu to focus my life on.


100k

On November 18th I ran the San Joaquin River 100k.  The weeks leading up to this event were very overwhelming at times.  I was feeling better about building a relationship with God, and I was working things out in my head more during my runs, and I was starting to pray again.  I had people in my life that I was able to discuss all this with, and that made the process a little easier.

During the 100k I had a lot of time to think and be on the trail by myself.  I ran by myself for the majority of the race.  I thought about my cousin, I talked a lot to her, I remembered all the good times we shared, I thought about how hard it was to see her in the hospital, the impact her death had on me.

The last mile of the race is downhill, but in order to get to that point there is a pretty long climb to the top of the hill.  I was feeling very lonely and tired at this point, especially since it was near the end of the run.  I prayed for guidance in my life, for strength to not be afraid anymore, and to try to have a new start.  As I climbed up the switchback I could see the headlamps of the 2 people just in front of me.  They seemed so far away, all I could think is, "How am I going to make it all the way up there?"  Just then I looked down.  I could see headlamps in the very far distance, and I stood there looking at them for a few seconds.  I realized that the top of the hill was closer than I realized, and that I had almost made it to the top.

I realized that as I was going up the hill and feeling hopeless, I was still getting closer to the top.  My slow progress was progress.  I didn't see at as progress at the time, but the closer I was to the top, I was able to see just how far I had come.  The top was getting near, and the bottom was almost out of sight.  Just like in life, sometimes we don't realize just how far from the bottom we have come, and if we just keep moving forward, we can eventually get to the top of our goal.

I finished the race a lot slower that I wanted to, but I finished a little faster than my previous times.  Alisha was there waiting for me at the finish line.  I was so out if it and emotional, it took me a few seconds to actually see her standing right in front of me.  She came up to me and gave me a big hug.  It was a very emotional finish.  When Alisha hugged me it was a very overwhelming feeling.  It made me feel like all the pain I had put myself through (not only at the race, but the pain I've felt for the countless years) was being released.  I was very happy to have finished and to have Alisha there waiting for me.


The Next Day

The day after the race I woke up, shaved my beard that I had been growing out since the Dirty Dozen race back in July, and I headed over to Fit 36 to teach my morning classes.  On a normal Sunday I would have headed over to Fleet Feet after I was done teaching but today was different.  I went home, got cleaned up, and met Alisha at the church she attends.

We had been talking about me joining her sometime, but I usually work every Sunday.  I decided to take the day off and make it a point to check out the church she goes to.  I met the Jason, the Pastor of the church, and he was a very cool guy.  I listened with an open mind to what he had to say.  I liked the message that Jason presented and the way he delivered it.

During the service I decided that maybe it was time that I start reading the Bible again.  I tried to read it once in high school, and another time in college, but I just wasn't ready for that to be a part of my life yet.

After church we went out for lunch and hung out a little bit.  I was getting ready to leave Alisha's house and she told me that she had something for me.  She handed me a Bible and suggested that we both start reading it together and start on the book of Matthew.  I couldn't help but laugh a little since I was just thinking about doing this anyway.  I smiled and Alisha and thanked her for her Bible, and agreed to read it and discuss it with her.


Trust Fall

This journey has been long and painful.  I'm no longer filled the the doubt that I use to have, and I feel like I'm seeing life differently now.  I'm trying to go to church with Alisha at least once a month, or more often if my work schedule allows it.  I had to let go of the fear that I had after my cousin died... the fear of being let down... the fear of praying and not getting the result I want, but perhaps getting the result I need.

I have some amazing people in my life that I feel have helped me get back on path.  The more I have shared my struggles with them... the more I've been open and honest... the more they have made it a point to be there for me.

This road has not been easy.  To be 100% honest it has been scary as hell.  But I feel like I'm finally ready to close my eyes, lean backwards, and see what happens...



Until Next Time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Friday, December 22, 2017

10 Days Of Running

If you would like to donate to the Tibet Fund you can do so at https://www.facebook.com/donate/180919189158789/1490631100986375/ 
The donation page will up up until December 24th.  Thank you for your support.


The Idea

A couple years ago a I started planning a fundraiser for Free Tibet.  I was going to run from my home in Fresno, Ca to Washington D.C. to help raise money and raise awareness to the situation in Tibet.  I had the route planned for my journey, but was unable to pull together all the logistics that a journey like this would require.

With the plan of running across the U.S.A. getting put on hold, I needed to figure something else out.  While on a training run with my friend Sunny, we decided that doing something in town would be the best logistically for the time being.  Running a marathon (26.2 miles) a day for 10 days seemed challenging enough, and would also give me an idea as to what it would be like to run high mileage everyday if I was to actually run across the U.S.A.

With the idea set of running a marathon a day for 10 days, all I had to do is pick a time to do it.  December seemed to make the most since.  My last race would be in November and nothing really planned until maybe April.


Picking The Date

I knew I wanted to do this in December, but I didn't have an exact day set that I wanted to start.  In November Alisha mentioned that she wanted us to run a 50k together, and asked if I would want to do the Rodeo Beach 50k on December 9th.  I looked at the calendar and decided that this might be a good start date for my run.


Day 1

My first day was the Rodeo Beach 50k.  This race used most of the trail system that the Headlands 100 miler uses.  It felt good making this the first stop in this journey.  My first day of this journey would be at a place that I loved running the most.  I was very happy that Alisha found this race and that she would be with me to start this 10 day fundraiser that I was starting.

The run was amazing!!!  I got to run on the trails that I love and spend the entire day with someone who has become very important and close to me.

We had a blast on the trail, and it was fun showing Alisha the place where I love to run the most.  We ran the entire race together and finished on 7 hours and 19 mins.


Day 2

Sunday morning... I was hoping that this day would go well, and it did.  I had to teach 2 morning classes at the gym I work at, and then after that I went to church with Alisha.  When we got done with church I headed over to Fleet Feet and met up with Oliver and Dave.  They wanted to run a few miles with me and help me start my first run that would take place in Fresno.  A few miles into the run, my friend Chris joined us along the running path that we were taking.  It was nice having company along the way.  Having them with me made the miles go by fast.  I was also feeling pretty good, even after running a 50k the day before.

I had company up until mile 18, after that I had to finish up the last 8.2 miles solo.  These last miles felt like they were taking forever.  I eventually got them done, and headed home.


Day 3

Now that the weekend is over, I need to run between both of my jobs, along with picking up and dropping my kids off at school.

I drop my kids off at school at 8:00am, and then I meet my old friend Megan and start my run.  Megan ended up running about 11 miles with me.  Not too bad since she has only been running 8 x 400 meter repeats lately.  We took it easy and talked a lot about what's been going on in our lives.  Megan is one of my dearest friends.  We don't get to hang out much, and when we do we are usually running, but we always seem to have very productive conversations.  Megan and I eventually made our way back to our cars.  I dropped her off at her car and I walked over to Panda Express.  I got a chicken bowl because I was starting to feel super hungry and wanted food instead of gels.  After a short rest to eat, I headed back out on the running path.  I finished the rest of my miles solo.

Day 4

This was mentally my hardest day.  I decided to do a 3 mile loop by my house that I do quite a bit.  I decided to do a 5 min run and 1 min walk interval.  I figured the change up would good, but maybe it wasn't.  I didn't carry any water or gels on me.  I was making stops at my car every loop (3 miles) to fuel up, but it wasn't enough.  I should have carried the water and gels on me because I crashed pretty hard on this run.  My body didn't feel like it was too beat up from the days of running, but I was defiantly not getting in enough calories.  I muscled through the run, and was able to finish with just enough time to go home, shower, and then pick up my kids.


Day 5

It's Tuesday today... usually that would mean Sunny and I are going for a run, and going somewhere to eat... but not today.  I start my run from the parking lot at Fit 36 and my coworker Dre just happens to be starting his run at the same time as I am.  We head out and run together for a few miles, and then I get a call from Sunny.  Dre and I are running by Sunny's apartment and she meets us on the trail.  We loop back to Fit 36 and drop off Dre.  Sunny isn't feeling very good, so we run back to her place and drop her off.  Sunny still wants to run with me a little more, so she decides to get in her car, drive a few miles up the trail and meet me for the more difficult later miles.

After I dropped Sunny off at her apartment I decided to kick up my pace a little.  I was surprised that I was feeling good.  I thought that for sure my legs would be giving me some issues by now, but they weren't.  I ran up the trail and sent Sunny a text so that she would know where I was.  She met me around mile 16ish with a Snickers candy bar, and it tasted amazing.  Sunny ran the next 5 miles with me and kept me company.

After I left Sunny for the last time I really just wanted to finish up my run.  I kicked out the last few miles as fast as I could.  I eventually finished my daily mileage, made it back to my car, then went home so that I could get cleaned up before I had to go to work.


Day 6

I had a very nice surprise for this run.  My friend Becky got a hold of me in the morning and and said she was going to run with me.  I thought I was going to have to run solo today, so it was nice to know that I was going to have some company.  Becky met me on the running path that I had been using the last few days.  We met somewhere around mile 2ish of my run.  She asked me where I wanted to go and I had her pick our route.  I really just wanted to go on autopilot today and let someone else take the lead.  Becky picked our route and dictated the pace.  I was surprised how fast we were running, and how good it felt.  We were running between 8 min and 8 min 30 sec miles.  Becky ran with me up until I hit mile 15, and then she turned around and headed home.

After Becky left I headed out to a part of the trail that I have been using quite a bit on my training runs.  I was starting to feel pretty tired and wanted the run to be over with.  When I hit mile 20 I received a text message from Alisha, "Thinking about you and sending a prayer your way."  Just as I was about to text her back I get a call from Sunny.  She asks me, "Where are you?  Do you need company?"

Wow... talk about good timing!!  Maybe that prayer worked.  When Sunny called I was about a 1/2 mile away from her apartment.  She got ready right away and met me on the trail.  I told her how I was hitting a bit of a low point and that I was happy that she was joining me.

Sunny ran the the rest of my mileage with me.  Having her there really made the remaining mileage feel a lot easier.


Day 7

Alisha's friend Alissa joined me for the first 13.1 miles of this run.  I was feeling pretty good still, and it was nice having someone to share a few miles with.  I tend to run most of the time by myself, and having people join me almost everyday was making the miles go by pretty fast.  It's fun having someone to run with that you don't know a lot, because it opens up a lot of random things to talk about. We discussed people who think the world is flat, people who don't believe in dinosaurs, life and death... most of the usual topics.

After Alissa left at mile 13.1, I was able to muscle through the last half of the run.  I was surprised how good I felt at the end of the run.  I realized that I was going to have to start my next run in about 12 hours after I finished this one.  I had finished on Friday at 1:15pm, and because of my work schedule on Saturday I was gong to have to start my next run at 1:30am Saturday morning.


Day 8

I think I only slept about 3 hours, and I needed to run.  I had to be at Fit 36 from 7:00am to 10:30am, and then at Fleet Feet from 11:00am to 6:00pm.  After work Alisha and I were planning on taking her daughter to look at Christmas lights, so the only time I really had to go on my run was from 1:30am until I was done, and hopefully I would be done before 6:30am so that I would have enough time to get ready for work.

I started my run at 1:30am, and Alisha was planning on meeting me at 3:30am to help me with the later miles of my run.  My plan was to be about 13 miles in before Alisha showed up to run with me.  Unfortunately when she showed up I was only on mile 10 and I was going pretty slow.  I told Alisha that I was 3 miles behind where I wanted to be, and that I needed to pick up my pace a little.  Alisha ended up running just over 16 miles with me, and she helped me pick up the pace while I was getting very tired.

With Alisha's help I ended up finishing just in time to take a fast shower and get ready for work.


Day 9

I decided to change things up for this run.  For some reason running 26.2 miles on a track seemed like a good idea.  I wanted to just go out and not think about the run at all.  Running around in a circle sounded like a good idea.

I met Alisha's friend Sarah at the track at Kastner Middle School.  I picked this track because it is made of compact dirt and that surface seemed like it would be easy on me.  Sarah ran 13.1 miles with me on the track.  While she was running with me my friend Jeri came by and ran 4 miles with us.  After Jeri left my friend Travis showed up, and then Alisha, and then Chris.

I had a bunch of people joining me on this run.  It was nice having all this support.  It was cool having all these people out here running with me.  My feet were hurting a little, but it was my 9th day on a row of running a lot of miles.  My feet were feeling a little sore, but Alisha kept running with me and encouraging me to keep one foot in-front of the other.

It was nice having my friends out running with me.  I was getting even closer to accomplishing my goal, and sharing many miles with them was nice.


Day 10

I wanted to spend my last day of running at Woodward Park.  I do most of my training there and I'm comfortable doing high mileage workouts on the 2.7 mile loop around the park.  I didn't start this day wanting to run a marathon, I started it wanting to run a 50k (31 miles).  I figured that since I started this journey with a 50k, it would be nice to end it with one as well.

My friend Benny joined me for 2 hours of my run.  It was the first time we ever ran together.  I know Benny through Fleet Feet.  He's a pretty talented runner, and he is pretty fast.  He's someone that I normally wouldn't be able to keep up with.  During our run Benny asked me about Tibet and why it is important to me, and why I decided to run so much for 10 days in a row.

When I reached mile 15, Benny's time with me was over.  I ran the last 16 miles solo.  I honestly felt pretty good during this entire run.  I really expected to be feeling really bad by the end of this journey, but luckily it didn't.

At the end of the day I had finished 31 miles... with just enough time to pick my kids up from school and then go teach a couple classes at Fit 36.


All Done

I'm happy that I was able to finish this fundraiser with no injuries.  I'm surprised how well my body did with the mileage.  I even maintained my weight (185 pounds) the entire duration of my 10 days of running.

I feel very lucky to have had so many people help me out with this fundraiser.  It was nice having so many people come out and run with me and show their support and interest in what I was doing.  I'm sure next year I'll do something like this again, and hopefully it will be bigger and better.

Thank you all for your love and support during this fundraiser.



until next time...

KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Vlog 2017-12-17





Vlog for December 17th, 2017

Day 9 of 10





Day 9 of 10

If you would like to donate to the Tibet Fun you can do so at https://www.facebook.com/donate/180919189158789/2133906449958049/

Day 8 of 10





Day 8 of 10

https://www.facebook.com/donate/180919189158789/2128900000458694/

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Day 1 of 10





Day 1 of 10 fundraiser for The Tibet Fund



https://www.facebook.com/donate/180919189158789/2121928974489130/

Friday, December 8, 2017

RunEatRun 00005 Sprinkles Donuts





In this episode we go to Sprinkles Donuts and then end up going to a gas station and getting a pizza pocket.

jiu jitsu





My buddy Randy just got his brown belt in jiu jitsu... so he had to break it in!!

Monday, December 4, 2017

Vlog 2017-12-03





Vlog for December 3rd 2017

https://www.facebook.com/donate/180919189158789/2114874981861196/